Parents and caregivers are the most important role models and source of guidance for children. Around puberty, children become particularly curious about sex and want to learn as much as possible about it. This is because nature’s number one priority is reproduction and we are programmed to focus on it, ready or not. The internet is the first place children look for answers.
Access to free, streaming, hardcore pornography is one of the biggest, unregulated social experiments ever unleashed in history. We hope this parents’ guide to Internet pornography will help you help your children navigate their sexual development safely and let you be the best parent or caregiver you can be.
Many teens say they wish their parents would be more proactive in discussing pornography with them. If they can’t ask you for help, where will they go?
See this poster for a summary of the most usual consequences of overuse.
The largest and most popular website Pornhub promotes anxiety-producing videos such as incest porn, strangulation, torture, rape and gangbangs. Incest is one of the fastest growing genre according to Pornhub’s own reports. Most of it is free and easy to access.
Children as young as six are accessing hardcore pornography. Some kids are fascinated and eagerly seek out more, others are traumatised and have nightmares. Hardcore adult material is not suitable for children of any age because of their stage of brain development.
This 2 minute, bright animation provides a quick overview. You can show it to your children too as it does not contain pornography.
This 5-minute video is an excerpt from a documentary from New Zealand. In it a neurosurgeon explains what porn addiction looks like in the brain and shows how similar it is to cocaine addiction.
This TEDx talk by Professor Gail Dines “Growing up in a pornified culture” (13 mins) explains in clear terms how music videos, porn sites and social media are shaping our children’s sexuality today.
Here’s a funny Tedx talk (16 mins) called “How Porn Skews Sexual Expectations” by an American mother and sex educator Cindy Pierce. Her parents’ guide says why ongoing chats with your kids about porn are so necessary and what gets their interest. See below for more resources about how to have those conversations.
Top tips for talking to children
- “Don’t blame and shame” a child for watching pornography. It is everywhere online, popping up in social media and in music videos. It can be hard to avoid. Other kids pass it on for a laugh or bravado, or your child may stumble across it. They may of course be actively seeking it out too. Just forbidding your child from watching it only makes it more tempting, for as the old saying goes, ‘forbidden fruit tastes sweetest’.
- Keep the lines of communication open so that you are their first port of call to discuss issues around porn. Children are naturally curious about sex from a young age. Online porn seems like a cool way to learn how to be good at sex. Be open and honest about your own feelings about pornography. Consider talking about your own exposure to porn as a young person, even if it feels uncomfortable.
- Kids don’t need one big talk about sex. They need many conversations over time as they go through the teen years. Each must be age appropriate, ask for help if you need it. Fathers and mothers both need to play a role in educating themselves and their kids about the impact of technology today.
Help with those difficult conversations
- Former sociology professor, author and mother, Dr Gail Dines, is founder of Culture Reframed. See her TEDx talk above. She and her team have developed a free best-practice toolkit, which will help parents raise porn-resilient kids. How to have the conversation: see the Culture Reframed Parents Program.
- This is a new book by Colette Smart, a mother, former teacher and psychologist called “They’ll Be Ok“. The book has 15 examples of conversations you can have with your kids. The website also has some useful TV interviewees with the author sharing some key ideas too.
Top tips about smartphones
- Delay giving your child a smartphone or tablet for as long as possible. Mobile phones mean you can stay in contact. While it may seems like a reward for hard work in primary or elementary school to present your child with a smartphone on entering secondary school, observe what it is doing to their academic attainment in the months that follow. Do children really need 24 hour-a-day access to the internet? While children might receive a lot of online homework assignments, can entertainment use be restricted to 60 minutes a day, even as an experiment? There are lots of apps to monitor internet usage especially for entertainment purposes. Children 2 years and under should not use screens at all.
- Turn off the internet at night. Or, at the very least, remove all phones, tablets and gaming devices from your child’s bedroom. Lack of restorative sleep is increasing stress, depression and anxiety in many children today. They need a full night’s sleep, eight hours at least, to help them integrate the day’s learning, help them grow, make sense of their emotions and feel well.
- Let your children know that porn is designed by multi-billion dollar tech companies to “hook” users without their awareness to form habits that keep them coming back for more. It’s all about keeping their attention. Companies sell and share intimate information about a user’s desires and habits to third parties and advertisers. It is made to be addictive like online gaming, gambling and social media to keep users coming back for more as soon as they are bored or anxious.
- Dealing with protests: Kids may protest at first, but many children have told us they would like their parents to impose curfews on them and give them clear boundaries. You are not doing your child any favours by leaving them ‘literally’ to their own devices.
- Don’t feel guilty for taking assertive action with your children. Their mental health and wellbeing are very much in your hands. Arm yourself with knowledge and an open heart to help your child navigate this challenging period of development. Here is advice from a child psychiatrist.
- Recent research suggests that filters alone will not protect your children from accessing online pornography. This parents’ guide emphasises the need to keep the lines of communication open as more important. Making porn harder to access however is always a good start especially with young children. It is worth putting filters on all internet devices and checking on a regular basis that they are working. Check with Childline or your internet provider about the latest advice on filters.
What Apps might help?
- There are many software and support options. Ikydz is an app to allow parents to monitor their kids’ use. Gallery Guardian notifies parents when a suspicious image appears on their child’s device. It deals with the risks around sexting.
- Moment is a free app that allows a person to monitor their use online, set limit and receive nudges when reaching those limits. Users have a tendency to underestimate their usage by a significant margin. This app is similar but not free. It helps people reboot their brain with help along the way. It’s called Brainbuddy.
- Here are some other programmes that may be useful: Covenant Eyes; Bark; NetNanny; Mobicip; Qustodio Parental Control; WebWatcher; Norton Family Premiere; OpenDNS Home VIP; PureSight Multi. Here is an article and list from July 2019 from PC World. Their appearance in this list does not constitute an endorsement by The Reward Foundation. We do not receive financial benefit from sales of these products.
- The best book on the market is by our honorary research officer Gary Wilson. We would say that but it happens to be true. It is called “Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction”. It is a great parents’ guide. It is also a great book for your children to read as it has hundreds of stories by other young people and their struggles with porn. Many started watching internet porn at a young age.
Gary is an excellent science teacher who explains the brain’s reward, or motivation, system in a very accessible way for non-scientists. The book is an update on his popular TEDx talk from 2012.
The book is available in paperback, on Kindle or as an audiobook. It was updated in October 2018 to take account of the World Health Organization’s recognition of a new diagnostic category of “Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder“. Translations are available in Dutch, Arabic and Hungarian so far, with others in the pipeline.
2. Child psychiatrist Dr Victoria Dunckley’s book “Reset your Child’s Brain” and her free blog explain the effects of too much screen time on the child’s brain. Importantly it sets out a plan for what parents can do to help their child get on track again.
Dr Dunckley doesn’t isolate porn use but focuses on internet use in general. She says that about 80% of the children she sees do not have the mental health disorders they have been diagnosed with and medicated for, such as ADHD, bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety etc. but rather have what she calls ‘electronic screen syndrome.’ This syndrome mimics the symptoms of many of these common mental health disorders. The mental health issues can often be cured/reduced by removing the electronic gadgets for a period of around 3 weeks in most cases.
Her book explains how parents can do this in a step-by-step parents’ guide in collaboration with the child’s school.
Books For Younger Children
“Pandora’s box is open. Now what do I do?” Gail Poyner is a psychologist and provides useful brain information and easy exercises to help children think through options.
“Good Pictures, Bad Pictures” by Kristen Jensen and Gail Poyner. Also a good book focusing on the child brain.
Not for Kids. Protecting Kids. Liz Walker has written a simple book for very young children with colourful graphics.
Free online resources for parents
- Learn about the health, legal and relationships impacts of pornography use on The Reward Foundation website along with advice on quitting.
- Excellent free advice from anti-child abuse charity Stop It Now! Parents Protect
- Fight the New Drug’s How to talk to your kids about porn.
- Here is an important new report from Internet Matters on internet safety and digital piracy with tips on how to keep your child safe while surfing the net.
- Advice from the NSPCC about online porn.
- For parents in Scotland contact Children 1st.
Recovery websites for young users
Most of the main free recovery websites such as yourbrainonporn.com; RebootNation.org; PornHelp; NoFap.com; Fightthenewdrug.org; Go for Greatness and Addicted to Internet Porn are secular but have religious users too. Useful for parents to look at to get an idea of what those in recovery have experienced and are now coping with as they adjust.
There are good resources available too for faith- based communities such as Integrity Restored for Catholics, for Christians generally Naked Truth Project (UK) How Porn Harms (US), and MuslimMatters for those of the Islamic faith. Please contact us if there are any other faith-based projects we can signpost.
Autism Spectrum Disorder
If you have a child who has been assessed as being on the autism spectrum, you need to be aware that your child may be at a higher risk of becoming hooked on pornography than neurotypical children. If you suspect your child might be on the spectrum, it would be a good idea to have them assessed if possible. Young men in particular with ASD or special learning needs are disproportionately represented in the statistics for sexual offending. It affects about 1% people of the population at large yet more 33% of sex offenders are on the spectrum or have learning difficulties.
Autism spectrum disorder is a neurological condition present from birth. It is not a mental health disorder. While it is a much more common condition among males, females can have it too. For more information read these blogs on porn and autism; a mother’s story; and autism: real or fake?
The UK Government has postponed (not cancelled) its commitment to protecting children online. See this letter from a government minister to the Secretary of the Children’s Charities’ Coalition on Internet Safety.
The purpose of the age verification legislation (Digital Economy Act, Part 3) was to make commercial pornography companies install more effective age verification software to restrict access by under 18 year olds to commercial pornography websites. See this blog about it for more details. The new regulations seek to include social media sites as well as commercial pornography websites.
More support from The Reward Foundation
Please contact us if there is any area you’d like us to cover on this subject. We will be developing more material on our website over the coming months. Sign up to our e-newsletter Rewarding News (at foot of page) and follow us on Twitter (@brain_love_sex) for the latest developments.
The Parents’ Guide was last updated 11 November 2019
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